April 11th, 2010 | 
Author: 
© Paul Hill – Fotolia.com
Anger, Fear, and Resentment prevent us from moving forward in our lives. Forgiveness of ourselves and others is critical if we are to create the lives we desire. Over the next few days, I’m going to explore some of the reasons we feel these negative emotions and ways of finding forgiveness.
Boundary violations
A boundary violation occurs when another person invades our private or emotional space without our consent. This includes egregious violations such as rape, child abuse, assault and murder. It also includes verbal abuse, harsh criticism, and exposure through telling secrets or sharing intimate photographs. We can also violate our own boundaries by sharing too much too soon in a relationship, giving into demands that don’t honor our values, or going along with others to appear “nice.”
When we don’t have good boundaries, we may find ourselves saying “yes” when we don’t want to. Usually this is due to a fear. Common fears include fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of the other person’s anger, or fear of retribution. If you are feeling angry about being abused, criticized or taken advantage of, you are being called to pay better attention to your own boundaries. Learning to say “no,” is self-protective and will help you determine what it is you want and don’t want.
As you reclaim your power to define boundaries, you can move towards forgiveness. Forgiveness may come in the form of taking a “meta-view.” In the case of abuse, you learn empathy for others who have been abused. You also learn to value yourself and to avoid people who are abusive. These are valuable lessons that may not have been learned without having experienced abuse.
When we feel anger and resentment about a boundary violation, we need to ask ourselves the question, “what can I learn from this?” Being angry doesn’t accomplish anything, but we CAN take action. By actively examining the situation, we can find ways to grow through even the most difficult violations. Forgiving someone who abused or assaulted us may be difficult, but it is important to do so for OURSELVES.
Usually people who oversteps boundaries have poor boundaries themselves. They do not understand that what they have done is “wrong.” Forgiveness does not mean inviting the person into our lives to sit at the dinner table; it only means we let it go. We let go so we can move on. We remember what it feels like to be violated and do our best to be aware of our boundaries and the boundaries of others. By doing this, we turn a difficult situation into a positive learning experience. It is possible we may even find ourselves thanking that person (not necessarily face-to-face) for helping us develop strength and empathy.
Posted in Law of Attraction
I think boundary violations that leave you feeling chumpy or enabling is a classic problem.
Mother Theresas diary goes on and on about how God racked her with a long painful death for enabling prostitutes and winos.
Its called succor becuase of sugar, as in sugar-coating a bad situation where there is no solution, unless you call looking the other way a solution. Thats my take on why Mother Theresa died rueful. So did Jesus for that matter.
Sometimes expressing empathy in any meaningful way leaves me feeling like a chump.
nice post. thanks.
I agree with almost all of this. I do think though that sometimes we are motivated not to say ‘no’ through fear of not being a good enough person; although this is probably related to the other fears you mention. Guilt is another motivator too (feeling responsible for the break-up, not wanting to let the kids down, etc.). But I do agree that fear is the big instigator of self-defeating behavior. Some fears are rational; some are even helpful. Most are not.